Some shit you just can’t make up.

An unnamed Michigan man, who claims to be Selena Gomez’s father, is suing Justin Bieber, alleging that Biebs stole his credit card to pay for an abortion for Gomez, as well as a penis pump. Via NME:

The suit – via TMZ – alleges that: “Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my canadian bear rug.”

It continues: “Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums.”

The man claims that Bieber “gave selena a std and Bieber stole my credit card to buy him and sean p-ditty [sic] combs cocaine to use in drug free school zones… Bieber also got a penis enlargement with my stolen american express card. ”

Either this man is thoroughly unstable, or else we missed the best Fourth of July party EVER!

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