The Swarm

September 27, 2007

Update: Is eBay band the latest Jake Bronstein stunt?

TDS Editors

Update: The Daily Swarm reader JR writes:

“Basest” Jacob appears to be noted prankster Jake Bronstein, the former “Road Rules” cast member famously fired by FHM for insulting Howard Stern’s girlfriend and who’s since been blogging about molding his penis and bathing in Bryant Park.

Click here if you’re not familiar with Bronstein’s past “work.”

Bidding currently stands at $600 610:

Who hasn’t wanted to be in a rock band? But putting one together can be tough. Don’t let the dream slip away…
This is your chance! We’ve done the work for you. All you have to do is bid, win, show-up, and rock. This is a once in a lifetime offer (if it works out though, who knows).

But what does winning a rock band actually entitle me to?
Glad you asked. The winner gets the following:
-A photoshoot with the band done by a professional photographer (probably
-One full day of rehearsal (minimum).
-A band listing with you as the frontman on
-One song written by you, with our help, recorded at a professional studio.
-One gig (that’s right, an actual gig) with YOU as frontman… location, venue, and time, to be determined. You bring your friends, we’ll bring ours, it’ll be fun!

But wait, there’s more, as frontman, you get to…
-Name the band as you see fit (currently we’re going by the title “Your Name Here,” but that’s just cause we’re waiting on your input).
-Dictate the sound (we’re a multi-talented bunch).
-Choose our image (we’re kind of a blank canvas right now).
-Hire and or fire members as you see fit.
-Write the “band rider” (the list of goods the venue must provide backstage).
-Throw tantrums (frontmen often do – especially when the venue fails to follow the rider to a t).
-And of course, you get first pick of any women interested in “getting friendly” after the show (ah, the many joys of being frontman).

Do I need to be able to sing to front a band?
Actually no. Not many frontmen can. It’s much more important that you WANT to sing. And enjoy the idea of being on stage. Other than that we’re totally open. So long as you’re over 18 (so we can play a proper gig); doesn’t matter what you look like – business suit-type, midget, man, women, disabled, uniquely-abled, senior citizen – it’s all cool. Dress us to match your style. Or don’t. All creative decisions are yours.

Where is the band located?
We live in New York City, in fact, our practice space is in SOHO. BUT, and here’s the craziest part: WE DON‘T CARE WHERE YOU ARE! All are welcome to bid. You could come to us. We could come to you. And we MIGHT even be able to cover the transportation costs (hotel, airfare, etc… we do alright in our normal lives) just BE SURE TO CHECK BEFORE BIDDING IF YOU ARE OUTSIDE OF THE TRI-STATE AREA. Email jakehimself at gmail dot com for details.

OK, really though, what comes with the band itself?
We are:
One rhythm guitarist, Bill, 25. The handsome one. With over 12 years training he is capable of “rocking” several styles. Easygoing, charming, and talented, you hum the tune, he’ll play it. Musical influences include: The Beatles, U2, Jimmy Hendrix, Lenny Kravitz, Fall Out Boy, Motley Crue, The Strokes, The White Stripes, etc. etc.
One lead guitarist, Ike, 24. Kinda’ forlorn. Kinda’ dark. Kinda’ brooding. It’s all an act though. You’ll see when we all buddy around, he’s the first to burst into laughter. He’s wise beyond his years. Mature. Loves to talk music theory. Most importantly, he comes from the SLASH school of solos; each seems to be a composition inside the song, complete with its own melody that compliments, not overpowers. Musical influences include: The Doors, The Beatles, The Clash, The Who, Bob Dylan, Guns N Roses, etc. etc.
One basest, Jacob, 29. For some reason he thinks basests should always wear hoods and should never be photographed smiling. In reality though, the guy brings the fun. Always. Pranks, stunts, laughter, practice is never dull. He also lives in a mega-loft where people like to party after the after-party. He knows a lot of pretty girls too. But when it comes time to work, he’s second to none. Want a Jameriqui funk-thing? He can do it. Some slap-bass? He’s there. A driving low-end that fades into the background? He’s got that as well. Musical influences include: All things pop, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, The Neptunes, Kanye West, Jay-Z, Beyonce, HOT HOT HEAT, Jenifer Lopez, etc. etc.
One drummer, Devon, 27. Drummers are known for being slow. Or missing cues. This guy is neither. As a matter of fact, when he’s not keeping perfect time, he writes and produces his own stuff; including a symphony to be put on later this year. No really. This guy is a bona fide prodigy (or was when he was younger anyway, now he’s just great). Also good at carrying stuff. Musical influences include: Al Green, James Brown, Elvis, Aerosmith, Robert Glasper, Miles Davis, etc. etc.
All have their own instruments… specs available upon request.
We have all the gear you’ll be needing as well.

OK, really though, is this a joke? Did you fire your frontman?
Neither actually. We’ve never had one. But we like internet. And we like the idea of finding a frontman (or at least a good story) this way. So bid. We get along with everyone, but we’re only going to do this once.


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